25 superb quotes from the legendary George Carlin

George Carlin was a man who delighted everyone despite the fact he made people laugh above all at themselves. Whatever the subject, he always had a hilarious opinion about it, and drew his audience’s attention to many of life’s absurdities which they had never even contemplated. But he also mixed his humour with insightful reflections on life which we can all learn from.

 To remind you just how brilliant he was, here are 24 of his best quotes.
  1. Recently I realised what emails are for: to communicate with those who you don’t want to talk to.
  2. One day, they’ll build a time machine, but no one will have the time to use it.
  3. Someone needs to create a hotline where no one ever answers the phone. For those who never follow anyone’s advice.
  4. If you really want to know how to help your children, leave them alone!
  5. Live every day like it’s your last…and eventually it will be. You’ll be fully prepared.
  6. There’s nothing wrong with this planet. It’s people who are crazy!
  7. What’s the wonderful thing about a house by the beach? You’re surrounded by idiots only on three sides.
  8. I like it when you see some grass or flowers growing through the crack between concrete slabs. It’s heroic.
  9. People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
  10. Every third person on the planet has some kind of psychological illness. Think about your two best friends. If they seem OK, then it must be you.
  11. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
  12. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
  13. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
  14. There are people out there who are worried about the safety of nuclear power plants, and yet forget to fasten their seat belts.
  15. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
  16. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
  17. Electricity is really just organized lightning.
  18. You won’t be able to find the meaning of life before it’s changed into something else.
  19. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
  20. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ’Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
  21. Why do banks always attach their pens to the desk. If I trust you with my money, you should at least trust me with your pens!
  22. Always learn. Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s
  23. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
  24. Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
  25. There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.